I feel like I am finally moving on with my life. Im not constantly worrying about everything or letting everything get to me. Sam and Lauren...They are perfect for each other. They are not worth my time. If I can be friends with Sam for 4 years and she can just replace me so easily shes not my friend. Plus all the other things she has done to me...Im done with them. Im done mentioning them now. I can do better. Much better.
I feel like my life is getting a little bit better now. One of things I really need to fix though is my motivation for school. Really. I want to do well...but I'm not trying. I NEED to try. All this stress was holding me back and i just need to keep pushing it away and move on. School is important and I need to finish. Everything will work out. It has to...

Marty
Tonight or tommorow we need to talk
9:53pmZoey
about what?
9:53pmMarty
Nala..Im not doing it over a text message or over the computer
9:54pmZoey
i know what i am doing with nala. but i will hear your ideas
if its about raising her

then he signed off?

Im sick of peoples bullshit. today just blew.
im here alone while ryan left me to go with one friend to wallmart but he couldnt bring me.
not only that like all the other shit hes done to hurt me so badly...like when he did stuff with other girls. yeah that hurts. its hurts to be betrayed. it hurts to be left behind. sometimes i ask yself why i stay. i kee thinking things will get better. this not only goes for ry but it goes for other eole in my life as well. im also tired of everyone thinking he is the bad guy. some family i just feel like they arent on my side at all and like they are just working against me. for example my sister. no marty complaining about my dog. well im sorry but maybe i should tell him hitting a dog does not make them want to listen to you. when my dad hit me the last thing i wanted to do was listen. it makes you scared and hurt. thats how she fels and i know her...she will only just want to fight back. thats how it goes. sometimes i feel like i will go on....other times like i want to drug myself so bad that i cant even function. im just7 uset with everyone.

most of you make me want to die. thanks.

i wish i didnt know some of these things
betrayal
cheating
abandonment
dishonesty
anger
jealousy
time

show me the right way

for the third time im updating.
i want to fit in, fit out, be loved,be taught, be cared for, be desired, be carefree, be beautiful, to be ambitious, to be loving, to be free, to be trusted, to be held.

I cant take these strong feelings that come pouring back to me. It's rough. Feeling so close to some people that if something happened that it would just rip me open and left to bleed. I like being close to people, I'm just terrified to lose them. I can't figure out why this is. I dont want to be scared anymore.
I want to be close to people and i dont want to worry about anything.

Something else that just recently happened. Ryan and I have been fighting a lot. A few days ago...maybe four we were outside across the street at his friends place. I went because i wanted to spend time with him. For some reason though I feel completely awkward around his friends and i dont know why that is. Then it causes me to not act myself. Maybe it is because they are not the type of people that i would usually hang out with. He makes it seem like im the bad person because im not open minded like they are. Its fine, they can do their own thing and i'll do mine.

I've changed and so has he.
It kills me.

And I really believe that someday we can make it work. And I am banking on it.
I dont want to lose him.

I cant describe the pain i feel right now. There are two other times that i felt like this and that is when i lost my grandmother and when I lost Andy. I NEVER wanted to feel this again. I dont want Ryan and I to end up like Andy and I did. I want this to be DIFFERENT. I want us to survive.

And so he caught me being jelouse when I thought the girl was on his tem. Yeah, I admit it was a lame thing to be jelouse of. But it seemed like he got mad at me for it? WHY? Because I am so afraid of losing him...

IM NEVER GIVING UP. NEVER. I will make this difficult because I won't...can't lose him. He means everything to me.

but then another side tells me that we both messed up and and we should let it rest.

But i miss him.
Hes close, but far.

who said that I wasn't right?
I've lived for years without a life
don't have a soul on my side
still ridiculed despite how hard that I have tried
don't take me under your wing
I don't need a hand, don't need anything
I've got a roof over my head
as if I'd rather be alone with me instead

close yet far
drop me a line and tell me how the hell you are
and I'll tip my hat to those who can't believe it's me
though I never never never ever wanted this to be

I can hear the sounds of the city
sunrise and set are the same to me
a hesitating pulse is good company
and my reflection offers no apology
but who said that I wasn't right?
and I've lived for years without a life
don't have a soul on my side
still ridiculed despite how hard that I have tried

close yet far
drop me a line and tell me how the hell you are
and I'll tip my hat to those who can't believe it's me
though I never never never ever wanted this to be

close yet far
drop me a line and tell me how the hell you are
and I'll think of the days when there was something to believe
though I never never never ever wanted this to be